Wine Jokes #7: Prosecco, Champagne and Cava Walk Into a Group Chat

The Group Chat Nobody Asked For But Everyone Needed

If you’ve ever been to an Italian aperitivo and noticed that Prosecco always arrives first, you’ll know exactly what’s coming. Meanwhile, Champagne turns up late with an attitude, and Cava quietly refills everyone’s glass without being asked. In short, this group chat will make perfect sense.

We gave the wines a phone. Naturally, things escalated quickly.

Round One — Who’s Coming Tonight?

THE GROUP CHAT Italian Wines & Friends

🍾 Prosecco: Who’s out tonight?

🥂 Champagne: I’m always out. Some of us don’t wait to be invited.

🍷 Cava: I’m free. Nobody ever asks but I’m always free.

🍾 Prosecco: Amazing. Aperitivo at 6?

🥂 Champagne: I don’t do aperitivo. I do arrivals. There’s a difference.

🍷 Cava: I’ll do aperitivo. I’ll do anything honestly.

🍷 Barolo has joined the chat

🍷 Barolo: I wasn’t going to join. However, I’ve been ageing since 2009 and I have things to say.

🍾 Prosecco: Nobody added you Barolo

🍷 Barolo: I added myself. I don’t wait for permission. Instead, I wait for the right moment. There’s a difference.

🥂 Champagne: Finally. Someone who understands.

🍷 Barolo: Don’t. We are not the same.

🥂 Champagne: Excuse me?

🍷 Barolo: You’re French.

🥂 Champagne: And?

🍷 Barolo: And nothing. I’m just saying.

Round Two — Amarone Arrives (Eventually)

🍾 Prosecco: Anyway. 6pm. Who’s in?

🍷 Cava: Me. Definitely me. I can be there at 5 if needed.

🍾 Prosecco: You don’t have to do that

🍷 Cava: I know. I want to.

🍷 Amarone has joined the chat

🍷 Amarone: I saw the notification three days ago. Since then, I’ve been thinking about whether to respond.

🍾 Prosecco: It’s just aperitivo Amarone

🍷 Amarone: Nothing is just anything. That’s your problem Prosecco. No depth.

🍾 Prosecco: I have depth

🍷 Amarone: You have bubbles. It’s not the same thing.

🍷 Barolo: He’s not wrong.

🍾 Prosecco: I am literally the most popular wine in Italy right now

🍷 Amarone: Popular. Yes. Interesting word.

🍷 Barolo: We’ll leave it there.

Round Three — Champagne Has Standards

🥂 Champagne: Can we get back to tonight? I have a reputation to maintain and I need to know the dress code.

🍷 Cava: It’s aperitivo. It’s casual.

🥂 Champagne: I don’t do casual.

🍷 Cava: None of us were surprised, to be honest.

🥂 Champagne: Was that sarcasm?

🍷 Cava: Not at all. I genuinely respect your consistency.

🥂 Champagne: Oh. Thank you.

🍷 Cava: I just wish you’d respect mine.

🥂 Champagne: …

🍷 Cava: I’m just as good you know.

🥂 Champagne: Sweetheart.

🍷 Cava: Don’t.

🥂 Champagne: I wasn’t going to say anything.

🍷 Cava: You were going to say the price thing.

🥂 Champagne: I wasn’t.

🍷 Cava: You always say the price thing.

🥂 Champagne: All I will say is that some things cost more for a reason.

🍷 Cava: There it is.

Round Four — Nobody Can Rush Barolo

🍷 Barolo: I’m not coming at 6.

🍾 Prosecco: Barolo please

🍷 Barolo: I’ll come when I’m ready. As always, nobody has ever successfully rushed me.

🍷 Amarone: Correct.

🍷 Barolo: Thank you Amarone.

🍷 Amarone: Don’t thank me. Furthermore, I’m not coming either. I need at least two hours notice and a proper glass.

🍾 Prosecco: It’s aperitivo. We’re using normal glasses.

🍷 Amarone has left the chat

🍾 Prosecco: So it’s just us three?

🥂 Champagne: Correct. Additionally, I’ll need my own table section.

🍷 Cava: I’ll sit anywhere. I brought snacks.

🍾 Prosecco: Nobody asked you to bring snacks Cava

🍷 Cava: I know. Nevertheless, I just wanted to contribute.

🍾 Prosecco: …you’re actually really sweet you know that

🍷 Cava: Please don’t make it weird.

🍷 Barolo is typing…

🍷 Barolo is typing…

🍷 Barolo is typing…

🍷 Barolo: Fine. I’ll come. However, I’m not arriving before 8. Good things take time. I have said this for decades and I will continue saying it.

🍾 Prosecco: We’ll save you a seat 🥂

🍷 Barolo: Don’t use that emoji when you’re talking to me.

— THE END —

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Which Wine Are You in the Group Chat?

If you know Italian wine, you know every single one of these characters personally. For instance, there’s Barolo, who takes his time and won’t apologise for it. Then there’s Prosecco, who just wants everyone to have a good evening. Meanwhile, Champagne is technically invited but makes everything slightly uncomfortable. Moreover, Cava deserves far more credit than he gets. And finally, Amarone left the chat three days ago and hasn’t been seen since.

The good news is they’re all available tonight. No group chat required.

As a result, the only question left is: which wine are you?

Explore our full guide to Italian wines and find your character. 🍷