Wine Jokes #9: Wine Words, Honestly Translated. You’re Welcome.

Every sommelier speaks a second language. It isn’t French, though it sounds like it should be. It’s closer to professional flattery, dressed up with grape juice as the excuse. Nobody ever hands you the dictionary. So here it is.

What They Say About the Smell

“Notes of barnyard” It smells like a farm, and you are paying extra for that.

“Notes of forest floor” It smells like decomposing leaves. We know exactly how that sounds. We are not going to stop saying it.

“Notes of leather and tobacco” We ran out of fruit words around minute four and started describing furniture.

What They Say About the Taste

“Structured tannins” Your mouth is about to feel like you licked a chalkboard, and you’re going to say “wow, structured” the second it happens.

“Bright acidity” This is vinegar with confidence.

“Minerality” Tastes like licking a rock. This is the highest compliment a wine can receive.

“Silky tannins” Smooth enough that you’ll forget this cost sixty euros, right up until the bill arrives.

“Notes of stone fruit” There is a peach in here somewhere. We promise.

What They Say About the Style

“Old World style” Grown in Europe. Tastes like it’s quietly judging your life choices.

“New World style” Grown somewhere sunny. Tastes like it wants to be your friend and maybe get brunch after.

“Full-bodied” This wine has main character energy and will overpower your pasta, your conversation, and possibly your entire evening.

What They Say When They Want More of Your Money

“Reserve” We kept it in a cellar longer than some marriages last, and now you’re drinking the result.

“Complex” We’re not entirely sure what it tastes like either, but it’s expensive, so we’re calling it complex.

“Approachable” The polite word for cheap. You will finish this bottle tonight. Possibly alone. We support that.

What You Say Back

“Mmm, yes, I’m getting all of that.” You are not getting any of that. Nobody is. You are simply also thirsty, and you have decided to be a good sport about it.

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Next time a sommelier hands you a glass and starts talking about barnyards and wet leaves, you’ll know exactly what’s coming — and exactly what you’re about to nod along to anyway. For more from the series, check out our earlier entries in Wine Jokes: Honest Wine Reviews Nobody Writes and We Asked Wine Bottles to Review Humans. They Were Brutal.