We’ve spent centuries reviewing wine. It’s only fair the wine gets a turn.

⭐☆☆☆☆

Dave Who Said, “Let’s Save It for a Special Occasion”

Bought me in 2019.

Walks past me every weekend and says,

“One day…”

I’ve survived two birthdays.

Three Christmases.

A kitchen renovation.

His daughter’s graduation.

And whatever happened in 2020.

At this point I’m not a bottle of Amarone.

I’m a family heirloom.

---

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Grandma Maria’s Sunday Lunch

Nobody asked my vintage.

Nobody mentioned tannins.

Nobody held me up to the light.

Maria uncorked me, filled six glasses, pointed at the pasta and said,

“Mangia.”

I’ve never felt more appreciated.

---

⭐☆☆☆☆

Gary Who Learned One Wine Word

Gary discovered the word minerality three weeks ago.

Now everything has minerality.

Red wine.

White wine.

Rosé.

Orange juice.

I’m surprised he hasn’t described his shower as “beautifully mineral-driven.”

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⭐⭐☆☆☆

Emma and Josh’s First Date

Josh ordered me because he wanted to seem sophisticated.

Emma chose me because the label matched her dress.

Neither of them knew how to pronounce my name.

They’re getting married next month.

So I suppose I did my job.

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⭐☆☆☆☆

Sophie, the Instagram Perfectionist

She moved me closer to the window.

Then away from the window.

Turned my label three degrees to the left.

Added a candle.

Removed the candle.

Sprinkled rosemary on the table for reasons I’ll never understand.

By the time she opened me…

I’d seen two sunsets.

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⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Uncle Tony at the Barbecue

Didn’t sniff me.

Didn’t swirl me.

Didn’t say,

“I’m getting black cherry.”

He poured me into plastic cups, burnt the sausages and shouted,

“Who’s having another?”

Five stars.

This man understands hospitality.

---

⭐☆☆☆☆

The Couple at Table Seven

The waiter poured a tasting sample.

He swirled me.

She swirled me.

He smelled me.

She smelled me.

He said,

“Interesting.”

She said,

“Very interesting.”

Neither of them drank me for another four minutes.

I’m a wine.

Not a museum exhibit.

---

⭐⭐☆☆☆

Karen from Accounting

Opened me after saying,

“I’m definitely not drinking tonight.”

Then spent twenty minutes explaining why the second glass didn’t count because,

“I never finished the first one.”

Humans have fascinating accounting methods.

---

⭐☆☆☆☆

Steve, the Self-Proclaimed Expert

Steve confidently announced,

“Definitely notes of blackberry.”

There isn’t a blackberry vineyard within hundreds of kilometres of where I was made.

He also claimed I had “a whisper of Cuban cigar.”

Steve has never been to Cuba.

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⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Couple Celebrating 50 Years Together

No tasting notes.

No wine vocabulary.

No photos.

No pretending.

They poured me.

Raised their glasses.

Smiled at each other.

And remembered things I’d never understand.

That’s exactly why I exist.

---

⭐ Overall Review of Humans

3.5 out of 5 stars

Humans are confusing.

They’ll spend €200 on a bottle…

…then drink it from a paper cup at a picnic.

They’ll spend thirty minutes choosing a wine…

…then ask the waiter,

“Which one would you have?”

They’ll say,

“Just one glass.”

We’ve all agreed to stop believing that.

Would happily ferment with them again.

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