Wine and Laugh: The Wine Snob, the Wife, and the App
1. The Wine Snob
I went to a fancy wine tasting last weekend. You know the type — everyone holding their glass like it contains the last evidence in a murder trial.
The sommelier pours a thimble-sized amount and announces, “Notice the subtle notes of blackberry, tobacco, and leather.”
Leather.
Someone is drinking a wallet and calling it complex.
Then it gets worse. One man closes his eyes and whispers, “I’m getting hints of an old library.”
An old library, brother. If your wine tastes like overdue books, that’s not a tasting note — that’s a plumbing problem.
So I took a sip and said, “I’m getting notes of… grape.”
The room went so silent you could hear someone’s monocle drop.
Apparently that’s not the game we’re playing here.
I paid €60 to learn that wine people will describe everything in the universe except the one thing actually in the bottle.
2. Marriage and Wine
My wife looked at me over dinner and asked, “Do you love me more than wine?”
That is not a relationship question. That is a hostage negotiation with a corkscrew.
I said, “Of course I love you more than wine, darling.”
She said, “Then why do you smile every time you open a bottle?”
I said, “Because the wine doesn’t ask follow-up questions.”
Silence.
The kind of silence that has its own weather system.
For the following week, every single conversation ended with, “Well, perhaps go ask your beloved Cabernet.”
Here’s the thing though — the Cabernet never once raised its voice. Never sulked. Never brought up something from 2019.
A good wine gets better with age. A good husband gets better at saying absolutely nothing at all.
3. The Wine App
I downloaded one of those apps that identifies wine from a photo. I thought it would make me look knowledgeable at dinner parties.
I pointed it at a bottle. It said, “Excellent choice. Rich structure. Elegant finish.”
I felt like a man of culture.
Then I accidentally pointed it at my own face.
The app paused. Longer than necessary. Then it said, “Low storage. Poor decisions. Consume water immediately.”
I assumed it was a glitch. So naturally I tried again after three more glasses.
This time it said, “This item has already been opened. And left out too long.”
I deleted the app. Then reinstated it. Then deleted it again.
I wanted something that rates wine. Instead I got something that rates my life choices and finds them deeply concerning.
