Wine Jokes #9: Tourists Review Italian Wineries. It Does Not Go Well.

Italy makes the wine. Tourists make the reviews. And based on what shows up online, some visitors arrive at centuries-old, world-class wineries expecting a nightclub with a gift shop attached.

These are eleven completely fictional reviews, inspired by the very real energy of people who booked a wine tasting and then seemed surprised that wine was involved.

The Impatient One

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “We arrived at 10:30 in the morning and they immediately started giving us wine. We hadn’t even asked. Very aggressive.”

The Confused Ones

⭐☆☆☆☆ “Ordered a glass of Riserva. Bartender proudly told us it was aged eight years. Eight years old and they’re still serving it? Ask for something fresher next time.”

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “Asked if they could just mix the red and the white to save time and make a rosé. Guide walked away without answering. Rude, but I stand by the science.”

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “Asked what ‘vintage’ meant. Guide said it’s the year the grapes were harvested. Disappointed. Was hoping for a discount, like at a vintage clothing store.”

The Ones Who Fought the Wine and Lost

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “Asked for ice cubes in my red wine because it was warm. Was told this is ‘not something we do here.’ It is 34 degrees outside. I will do what I want.”

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “They handed us a bucket and said it was fine to spit the wine out if we didn’t want to swallow it. I paid thirty euros for that wine. I did not drive forty minutes to spit it into a bucket like an animal. Kept every drop.”

⭐☆☆☆☆ “There was dirt in my wine. Actual sediment, floating at the bottom of the glass. I did not pay 40 euros for dirt water.”

The Hangry One

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “Wine list said each glass came with a ‘pairing.’ I pictured a full plate. Got a single olive. Technically a pairing, I guess. Emotionally, a betrayal.”

The Logistics Critic

⭐⭐☆☆☆ “Cellar was freezing. Guide said it’s kept at 14 degrees on purpose, for the wine. Nobody asked the wine how it felt about my comfort.”

The One With a Different Palate

⭐☆☆☆☆ “Wine smelled like a wet dog. Guide apologized immediately and called it ‘corked.’ Honestly, kind of a shame. The wet dog thing was really growing on me.”

The One Five-Star Review (For All the Wrong Reasons)

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Amazing experience. They let my dog sit at the table the whole time. Didn’t try the wine, don’t remember the name of the winery, but the dog had a wonderful time.”

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If your idea of a great winery review is one that mentions the actual wine, you’re already ahead of half the internet. For more from the series, check out our earlier entries in Wine Jokes: Honest Wine Reviews Nobody Writes and I Asked Wine Bottles to Review Humans. They Were Brutal.